Top 10 Table Manners

As you are aware our 4-H Agent Shea Ann DeJarnette is a certified Emily Post Institute Trainer.  Every once in awhile she sees something that our families might like and are just a gentle reminder of easily practiced good manners in the world around us.  Recently she found an article from the EP Institute on the top table manners.  Take a look and see if these might apply in your home too.

Forwarded this email? Subscribe here for more Etiquette Today: Top Table Manners Here's a quick guide to our top table manners tips. Feb 5   READ IN APP   Photo by Jesse Vigil on Unsplash Top Table Manners Tips Table manners have evolved over centuries to make eating with others more pleasant and sociable. The more we use good table manners when we dine with others, the more we, and our dining partners, can focus on the conversation and enjoy our time together at the meal. Here are some of the most basic, but oh-so-important, table manners to keep in mind as you eat. Keep your phone out of the meal Your phone should be silenced and put away during the meal. It’s okay if your host invites you to take a picture of the table or your plate to do so before you begin dining. Absent that, your phone should not be at the table. You want to keep your focus on the people you are with, and a phone will only be a distraction. If you are in a situation like having a loved one in the hospital or a child at home with a fever, it’s okay to keep your phone on vibrate and let the group you’re dining with know you may need to take a call because of this. But step away from the table if that emergency call comes in. Put your napkin in your lap and then use it Place your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down for the meal. Remember to use it throughout the meal. Your napkin is there to help you clean up little messes and to keep you and your appearance tidy while dining with others. It’s a great tool, don’t overlook it! Maintain your posture Avoid slouching at the table; you don’t want it to look like you’re too tired to participate. Instead, sit up straight and keep your head level when talking with others. Obviously, you’ll have to look down at your plate, and that’s okay. Avoid placing your elbows on the table while eating. It is okay to prop your elbows on the table while conversing between courses or once the meal is finished, and always has been, even in Emily’s day. Hold utensils correctly Holding your utensils correctly is not only elegant but also helps you maintain the best control over them, so accidents don’t happen. Don’t use your fork or spoon like a shovel. And don’t grip your fork full-fisted and stab your food. Instead, when cutting, hold your fork and knife with the handle in your palm, and use your thumb, index, and middle fingers to grip just at the neck where the handle joins the head of the utensil. This will give you the most control and dexterity with your utensils. When using your fork or spoon alone, the handle rests in the web (perlicue) of your thumb and index finger with your middle finger underneath the neck of the implement, and the thumb and index fingers holding the same spot from either side. Chew with your mouth closed It’s incredibly important not to gross out others while we dine with them. And chewed-up food being seen, or worse, escaping your mouth, is definitely gross to most people. Keep your mouth closed while there is food or drink in it. This also means no talking with your mouth full. If you have a condition that prevents you from closing your mouth while you chew, do your best to cover your mouth with your hand or a napkin. If someone asks you a question when you’ve just taken a bite, you can gesture with your hand (usually index finger up) to convey you will answer in “just a moment” while you finish chewing and then swallow before you speak. Don’t groom or attend to hygiene at the table Brushing your hair, applying makeup, and doing things like picking at your teeth should all be done in the restroom, not at the table. Do not pass gas at the table While a small burp, kept silent, can sometimes be done at the table by covering your mouth with your napkin and not taking a gasp of air before or after it, any other passing of gas should be done away from the table. Excuse yourself to the nearest restroom. Pace yourself with fellow diners Avoid rushing through your meal. Take bites while others are talking to you, and then pause while you respond. If you eat quickly, try to slow down so that you don’t finish long before everyone else. While a slow diner shouldn’t be rushed, they can do things like eat while others are talking to help move their meal along. Pay attention to your pacing. Cut only one piece of food at a time It’s best to cut only a piece or two of your food at a time, rather than cutting an entire item up at once and then eating it. Do not slurp your soup or beverages If your soup is too hot, let it cool for a moment before eating it. Otherwise, remember not to slurp it off your spoon. Slurping is an unpleasant noise at the table, whether it’s coming from eating soup or drinking a beverage. Ask for items to be passed to you Do not reach for or grab items on the table; instead, ask that they be passed to you if you need them. Participate well Bring your best self to the table. This is a time to enjoy others’ company, to both listen and share, and to enjoy food together. Be sure to take part in all of that as you dine with others.

What's Your Word for 2025?

 

This article was written by our own Shea Ann DeJarnette for the Robesonian.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions. We all have the best intentions but, to be honest, history has proven to me about two weeks in, I’m done with most of mine. The other day I heard someone talking about their word for the year. At first, I couldn’t figure out the point of a word for the year. A word of the day is usually about learning vocabulary, but a word of the year? The more I dwelled on the concept the more I liked the idea. So, the question for me was, what should it be?

I know this may not come as a shock for many of you, but my word of the year is kindness. I know, since COVID-19 people are preaching about being kind, people are fragile, don’t bully, etc. Honestly though, this has more to do with etiquette than anything else. I have no doubt question marks are now dancing around for many folks as they ask themselves what having your pinkies in the air has to do with kindness  Well let’s talk about that, and let me also dispel a couple of old-fashioned rumors for you.

The first rumor we need to dispel is many people think etiquette is about separating economic statuses. That is really the opposite of what it is about. Etiquette is actually being able to make everyone feel comfortable in any social setting with grace and treating people with dignity. Yes, etiquette has some set rules; for example, when it comes to table manners and what fork to use, it’s ok if you don’t know. Just watch the host and follow them. If everyone is doing the same thing, have you really done something “wrong”? Having knowledge of these guidelines/signs allows people to feel more comfortable and isn’t making people feel comfortable a sign of kindness?

In January we are getting ready to kick off our first school etiquette program. We will be working with kindergarten and first-grade students on the magic words. You know – please, thank you, hello, goodbye, excuse me, I’m sorry. So many misunderstandings occur and are elevated to other things because someone couldn’t say excuse me or I’m sorry. Imagine arming our children with the basics of kindness and all of us practicing them. Just by using these words, correctly and not sarcastically, we could create a kinder environment and community. Imagine what that could look like not just for them, but for the adults also. Imagine what spreading a little kindness can do.

The second rumor I need to dispel is the “pinkies up” while drinking tea was never an etiquette thing. There was never a rule about that. On the contrary, pinkies should be tucked in, otherwise you might risk poking out your own eye. Ouch. Let’s be kind to ourselves this year as well and not cause physical harm because of a rumor.

So, as I embark on spreading and demonstrating kindness this year and demonstrating this word of the year, I am curious what your word might be? What word do you want to live in 2025? Please feel free to let us know, and by the way, we will keep you up to date on our program with the youth. Feel free to help us by correctly using those magic words with our youth and encouraging them to do so. After all, it takes a village to raise a child with kindness. Happy New Year everyone!

Children's Table Manners

 

Proper etiquette for children are part of the building blocks to being successful adults.  Our own 4-H Youth Development Extension Agent, Shea Ann DeJarnette, is a licensed Emily Post Children's Etiquette Trainer.  For more information on workshops please contact her at Shea_Ann_DeJarnette@ncsu.edu. The following article is from Emily Post Institute. Etiquette Today: Children's Table Manners Here are the top table manners kids (and parents) should know to feel confident in almost any dining situation FEB 8 Photo by CDC on Unsplash Top Table Manners for Kids Far from being about perfection, table manners give kids the confidence and freedom to focus on the social aspects of eating together. By knowing what to do and how to use the elements we encounter at the table, kids can feel good talking about the food, their soccer game, or what they are excited about for an upcoming play date. Here are the table manners you and your kids can work on together to ensure mealtimes are positive experiences, both in your home and outside it. Come to the table with clean hands and face. While we eat, we try to avoid getting our hands and faces dirty with food smears and crumbs, but it’s also great to start the meal out with clean hands and a clean face. Other diners will be able to see you while you eat together, so making sure your face is clean is a great way to show up and represent yourself well. Chocolate on your cheek can undoubtedly be cute, but it’s also messy, and that’s something we try to avoid at the table. Clean hands also mean that we aren’t going to be spreading germs while selecting items from something like a communal bread basket. Put your napkin on your lap. Your napkin is provided so you can tend to any messes that might happen while eating. Starting out with it in your lap is like giving yourself the best safety net possible at the table. Place your napkin in your lap as soon as you sit down and are settled for the meal. If you need to get up during the meal, gently fold your napkin (so no stains are showing) and place it to the left of your place setting. This way, it doesn’t drop to the floor or get food stains on the chair. Once you return, put your napkin back in your lap. Start eating when everyone else does—or when given the okay to start. Look to your host for a signal of when to begin. If no one has indicated that you should start, wait until your host takes their seat and begins to eat; then you know it’s really okay! If someone has said, please begin while it’s hot. You may absolutely start eating, even if you’re the only one seated at the moment. What you want to avoid is sitting down (or receiving your serving) and starting in on your food right away with no invitation to do so.) Stay seated, sit up straight, and keep your body off the table. The meal is a bonding time for us. So, making sure that we are present and attentive is important. We demonstrate this by staying in our seats and by asking first if we may leave the table for a reason. You might say, “May I please be excused to use the restroom?” if you need the restroom, or “May I please help myself more?” to go get a second helping from the kitchen/sideboard. Keeping our posture upright shows that we pay attention to those around us. If we hunch over or use our hands to prop up our heads, we look like we don’t want to be at the table and participating. And we never put our feet up on the table; it’s not only unsanitary but it’s also considered very rude to show others the bottoms of your feet. Chew with your mouth closed, and don’t talk until you’ve swallowed. This one piece of advice will serve you very, very well throughout life if you adopt it. Do not open your mouth when there is food (and certainly not when there is a beverage) in it. Whether you want to talk, sing, shout, or just chew, your lips should remain closed when there is food or drink in your mouth, and no one should be able to see the food you are masticating. Don’t make negative comments about the food. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. This is really true when it comes to food others have prepared for us. It can feel unfamiliar to eat new foods or food that you know, but that has been prepared a different way from what you are accustomed to, but that’s okay. You just need to take a small portion and try it, and if it’s not your favorite thing, that’s okay. Just avoid saying you hate it or you really don’t like it. Instead, find something else to complement the meal. “Boy, what I am really enjoying are these rolls. They are so soft!” Say “Please pass the…” instead of reaching. The word please softens a demand into a request, which is much nicer when we eat together. Saying please is essential and helps to make the atmosphere during a meal friendly. Chat with everyone at the table. You don’t want to leave those sitting right near you out of the conversation. Make sure you spend time talking with the person on your right and left before the meal ends. Don’t make rude noises like burping or slurping. Burping and slurping and blowing bubbles can be fun, but when we are dining with others, these are things we don’t do at the table when others are present because these things are GROSS. And one of our biggest goals when it comes to etiquette is not to gross others out. Save these fun things for when you’re joking around with your friends, not when you’re eating with others, and definitely not if it’s a special occasion. Ask to be excused when finished. Because dining together is a shared experience, we don’t just walk away from the table when we feel like it. The expectation is that we sit until everyone has finished, and our host (usually our parent) says that the meal is completed and we may be excused. If adults talk long after dessert, it’s okay to ask, “Dad, may Kelson and I be excused to play Mario Kart?” Thank your host or whoever prepared the meal. It’s always important to say thank you for enjoying a meal together. “Thanks for dinner, Mom, it was great!” might melt your mother’s heart. Saying this to a friend’s parent who either took you out to eat at a restaurant or made a meal for you at their home (even if it was frozen pizza or takeout) will make you the kid who always gets invited back. Offer to help clear the table. As a guest, there is no rule that says you HAVE to offer, but boy, oh boy, it sure is appreciated when you do. “Mrs. Wilson, would you like help clearing or cleaning up?” might make Mrs. Wilson faint from gratitude. For more kids and parenting advice, check out our Children’s Etiquette articles at emilypost.com.

Wondering about Thanksgiving Etiquette?

 Below is an article from the Emily Post Institute about Thanksgiving Table Settings.  Thought it might come in handy for those sitting down at the table this year and wanting to make it all 

Etiquette Special: Thanksgiving Day Table Setting We're coming to you a day early this week, in hopes of helping you set a beautiful Thanksgiving Day table. NOV 22   READ IN APP   Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Unsplash With one of our biggest Thanksgiving hosting tips being to set your table the day before your big holiday meal, we thought it’d be wise to send you this article a day early this week. We hope that you and your family and friends are getting ready to enjoy a wonderful holiday together this year and that this guide will help you plan the perfect setting for your Thanksgiving Day meal. Your House, Your Style, Keep It Consistent If you’re hosting Thanksgiving this year, the style and formality of the event are entirely up to you. There is no “one right way”. Some folks want a casual vibe for the holiday; others prefer a more formal feel. While it is up to you, consistency is key. You want to avoid confusion. Asking folks to show up for a formal holiday and then delivering very casual entertaining standards would be confusing and awkward, as would telling everyone that it will be very casual and then presenting a very formalized experience. Keeping it consistent is considerate. Table Setting Basics Here are some of the most basic table-setting considerations to think about as you plan your holiday. Then, we’ll review table setting diagrams for different levels of formality and how to tackle each. Your Meal Your meal determines what you need on your table. Long gone (like really long gone) are the Victorian days when you’d set out every piece of tableware you had. Instead, today, you set what is appropriate for the meal. Only having one course - the main course? You may find yourself only needing an entrée fork and knife, especially if you choose not to set out dessert utensils during the meal. Conversely, if you’re serving multiple courses, you’ll need to think about what is being served and what utensils are needed. This goes for beverages as well. Alcohol-free homes can decide if they’d like to use wine or even champagne glasses for non-alcoholic beverages. Some hosts still like to pair a beverage with each course, even without wine. And for those who do serve alcohol, it’s fine to limit the offering or go full throttle with pairings; do what feels right for you and your guests (and the glassware you have to work with.) When it comes to dessert, you get to decide if your utensils will be set throughout the meal or whether they will arrive at the table with the dessert. How you serve your meal may also impact what decorations you can fit on your table. A buffet or plated service allows for more decoration at the table. A family-style service (where dishes are on the table and passed between guests) yields less room for decoration, but in many ways, the food serves as decoration. Decorations Once you’ve figured out your service and what elements will be at each of your place settings, you can think about the rest of the table. Everything from the tablecloth and napkins to the candles and even the salt and pepper shakers can be decorative elements, and of course, you’ll make a decision about a centerpiece. Here are some elements to consider: Tablecloth, napkins, placemats, runner, candle sticks/votives and their holders, a large floral centerpiece, multiple smaller flower arrangements, confetti, salt and pepper shakers, place card holders, place cards, napkin holders, and figurines. If you're choosing a large centerpiece, whether it’s simply floral, a mix of florals and fruit (we sometimes had chili peppers in our arrangements - that was always a hit!), or a collected arrangement of items (figurines, gifts, knickknacks) no matter what you choose be sure that guests can see each other. We find it limits conversation and can create a more divided feel at the table if guests can’t see each other easily. If you’re looking for a fun way for kiddos to help out, having them make or decorate place cards is a great activity. Not only does it allow for both participation and creative expression, but it also helps kids know who is coming to the gathering and can help them prepare for the meal by knowing who they will be sitting next to during it. Table Setting Tips Set only what you need for the meal you are serving. Set your utensils from the outside in toward the plate in the order they will be used. The napkin is set to the left of the setting. For formal settings, it is not placed under the fork. In other instances, you might choose to set the fork(s) on top of the napkin to save space at a crowded table. Some choose to put the napkin on the plate or charger if either is set in order to save space. Often, this is done when a napkin ring is used, but it isn’t a rule by any means, simply an option. We suggest you avoid putting the napkin in one of the glasses as it can be tippy. Use FOrKS to help you remember the order of a setting from left to right. (F) Forks, the (O) plate, moving to the (r) right of the plate, are the (K) Knives, followed by the (S) Spoons. Glasses are set at about a 45-degree angle off the tip of the knives and can be either set in a line that cascades down the right side of the setting or they can be grouped in the upper right corner of the setting. Just remember, whichever way you choose to set your glasses, guests should be able to easily reach for the glass that corresponds to the course they are eating without having to reach over other glasses. The dessert fork and spoon can be set ahead of time at the top of the place, centered over the space for the plate (or the charger if it’s present.) The spoon is placed on top with its handle pointing to the right, and the fork just below with its handle to the left. Or they may be brought out with the dessert. If you only need one of the two types of dessert utensils, you may leave the other unset. Table Setting Guides + Examples Now that you’ve thought about the meal you are serving and the style of gathering you’re hosting this holiday, it’s time to set to the table!  Items are set from left to right in the following order. CASUAL Option 1: Napkin, entrée fork, [plate - not shown], entrée knife, water glass CASUAL Option 2: Napkin, entrée fork, [plate - not shown], entrée knife, large spoon, water glass, wine glass INFORMAL Option 1: Across the top of the setting - bread plate with a butter knife, dessert fork (handle pointing left), water glass, white wine glass, red wine glass, and champagne glass cascading down the right side of the setting. Across the center of the setting - napkin, appetizer fork, entrée fork, [plate - not shown], entrée knife, appetizer knife, and large spoon INFORMAL Option 2: Across the top of the setting - bread plate with a butter knife, dessert spoon (handle pointing right), water glass, wine glass. Across the center of the setting - napkin, appetizer fork, entrée fork, [plate - not shown], entrée knife, appetizer knife, and small shellfish/oyster fork FORMAL Option 1: Across the top of the setting - on the left, a bread plate with a butter knife; in the middle, centered above the plate, is a dessert fork (handle pointing left) above the dessert spoon (handle pointing right), water glass, wine glass. Across the center of the setting - napkin, appetizer fork, entrée fork, salad fork [plate - not shown], entrée knife, appetizer knife, large spoon, and small shellfish/oyster fork FORMAL Option 2: Across the top of the setting - on the left, a bread plate with a butter knife; in the middle, centered above the plate, is a dessert spoon (handle pointing right) above the dessert fork (handle pointing left), water glass, wine glass. Across the center of the setting - napkin, fish fork, entrée fork, [plate - not shown], salad knife, entrée knife, fish knife, large spoon, and small shellfish/oyster fork. We hope this is helpful and that your Thanksgiving meal is everything you hope it to be.  Happy Thanksgiving from all of us here at 4-H and special thanks to the Emily Post Institute for sharing these holiday table tips.

Don't Overlook Thank You

The following article was written for the Robesonian by our own, Shea Ann DeJarnette, Extension 4-H Agent.

My parents are loving this. For my entire life they made me sit down after every holiday, birthday, and major event, and write thank-you notes to family and friends. Now I can hear some of you thinking, “Is that a problem?”, or even more so, “Good for them.”  For me, sitting still and writing a thank-you letter was the longest, most boring, most tedious thing you could ever make me do. I literally thought my brain might explode. It was a huge process, with the draft my parents had to correct (rightly so, because my spelling was/is atrocious) and often, the rough draft had to be re-written before the final draft was done in -gasp- ink.

Today I will tell you, I greatly appreciate having the skill of writing thank-you notes. Thank yous come in many forms. However, I will say there is something uniquely special about getting a handwritten thank-you note. A note someone took the time and thought to write, address an envelope (which is apparently a dying skill, along with being able to read and write in cursive), and even buy a stamp and mail. A thank-you note requires effort and is a treat which I sincerely appreciate.

Writing a good thank-you note isn’t really terribly difficult. It can be anywhere from three sentences to 15, depending on the room you have on your note card. Make sure you include the date and salutation at the top. For example, “Dear Joanne,” or “Dear Mrs. Smith,” is the perfect opener. Get right to the point in the opening sentence:  Thank you so much for having me as a guest for Thanksgiving. Follow that up with why or what was so wonderful about what you are thanking them for. For instance, you might say something about how wonderful the meal was or how special it felt to be included in their celebration.

Then I will start another paragraph with a point of conversation or other shared interest. It might be commenting on how much I liked a certain dish, or how much I enjoyed the conversation concerning (insert topic here) because it reminded me of (insert what polite/happy memory it triggered for you). This will allow the person receiving the card to know how much the experience meant to you.

Lastly, I end the note by thanking the person again for their kindness. Then close by saying “Sincerely,” or “All the best,” and sign my name. It is really a simple process, and when done in a timely manner, means the world to those who receive them.

Thank-you notes don’t discriminate based on age. Even children can take part. Maybe they draw a picture, or if they are learning to write they print “Thank You” in their own writing. Perhaps they stand next to you and tell you what they would like in the card as you put pen to paper. It is a skill that is never too early to learn, and more so, it allows children to learn how to express gratitude.

So as the seasons change and we think about gratitude, don’t overlook the importance of the thank-you note. It will show a grace and appreciation that can take you far in life.

P.S. Thank you to my parents for their patience teaching me this invaluable skill.

For more information, please contact Shea Ann DeJarnette, 4-H Youth Development with North Carolina Cooperative Extension, Robeson County Center, at 671-3276, by E-mail at Shea_Ann_DeJarnette@ncsu.edu or visit our website. Shea Ann is also licensed by the Emily Post Institute as a child etiquette teacher.